Life remained idyllic until the babies were to turn six months old. I had taken a sabbatical from work and had planned on doing some studying from home while taking care of my babies. Lucian did not discuss his work but remained with us, hardly ever leaving our side.
In those six months he only took off four or five times to deal with work related issues. I only once dared to ask him about his work, but he made it clear to me that it was none of my concern and that I had no reason to worry as he felt he had been adequately providing in our needs.
I felt embarrassed, remembering our initial agreement and realizing that to date he had indeed paid for and provided everything we needed. I decided that he was mature enough and intelligent enough to know what he was doing and let the subject drop. At nearly six months of age the twins were already sitting up strongly by themselves and had even started to waddle holding on to the coffee table in the lounge.
Marcus was definitely the stronger of the two and by all appearances also the more mature. On the eve of their six month birthday Marcus looked up at me while I was spooning vegetable mush into his mouth and said ‘Mama’ for the first time. Then he looked at Lucian and said ‘Dada’. I know I should have paid closer attention then, but I was so elated by my son’s achievement that I dismissed the look that passed from father to son and back as purely a look a love.
Today however I realize that it must have been more than that. After we had put the children to bed, Lucian poured me some wine and sat down next to me. He took my hand and calmly told me that he had to leave for a while.
Lucian and I had never spoken about anything as mundane as loving each other, yet in that moment I realized that I did love him after all. In my scientific mind I had always considered love to be purely made up out of chemistry between two people, yet at that moment I realized the error of my ways.
The fear and hurt I experienced were emotions I had never felt before and I had no way of dealing with. As if reading my thoughts Lucian cupped my face in his hands and while looking into his eyes, I thought I saw something… or wait… I think it would be more accurate to say I felt something, a deep sadness, which upset me even more.
I realized in that instance that he was leaving and that he would not be back soon. I also knew that he was leaving, not because he wanted to but had to, yet when I asked him why, he just looked at me without answering.
“Will you be back some day?”
I asked, my voice sounding whiny and whimpers.
“Yes, I’ll be back some day.”
He answered and kissed me on the mouth. Then he got up and walked out closing the front door of my home behind him. I sat and stared at that door for hours. What I had witnessed was too much to grasp, even for me.
As if sleep walking I got up and walked to our bedroom in the early hours of the morning. His clothes were still in the cupboard, his toothbrush and shaving utensils still in the bathroom.
Nothing made sense to me at that moment.