Who am I? First and foremost I am a mother. A mother to two perfect children, or should I say too perfect children? They are the way they are because I wanted and planned them to be that way, or I thought I wanted them to be perfect until I learned that even being perfect can be a flaw. A nasty, unnatural way of being. Now I have to live with the decision I made, only a few short years ago, for the rest of my life. This is my story.
I was thirty six years old at the time and my biological clock was ticking loudly. I worked as a research chemist in an internationally renowned pharmaceutical laboratory. When people first met me they found it hard to believe that I was the academic sort as at 5 ft. 11 inches, slim and blonde I was often mistaken for a model or an actress.
It was my looks and not my brains that was the cause of me still being single at thirty six. I wanted a man with a good brain to father my children, but I also wanted one taller than me and reasonably good looking. I wanted my children to have every opportunity in the world to succeed and be happy.
In my field of research however, all my male colleagues were bespectacled, short and bald. Somehow, I think, my colleagues sensed that they were falling short of my ambitions, as they ogled and whispered but never asked me out.
My social life was equally devoid of any potential mates. The few friends I had were a jolly bunch but none of them could be classified as rocket scientists. Sadly, and I say this more for their sake than mine, I also earned more than the whole lot of them together. From what I had read marriages in which the wife earned way more than the man had little chance of success. An old fashioned notion, I know, but statistically proven according to a number of human sciences reports. Unless of course one was dealing with a young gigolo who was only in it for the money and who obviously then would not possess the brainpower I required. I was ever so slightly famous as well.
At twenty four I discovered a formula for a cream which successfully treated athlete’s foot. At twenty eight I had a repeat performance when I formulated a cream to treat pink eye syndrome. With each new discovery my salary was significantly raised in fear that I would be poached by a rival company.
It is safe to say that at thirty six I was a happy and confident woman, but I certainly was not content as above anything else I had always wanted children. I adored other children in my childhood and still loved children as an adult. I was an only child, cherished and spoiled, but I had attracted kids like moths to a flame.
Our house was always overrun with neighborhood children and although never alone I promised myself that one day I shall have more than one child. My children would have someone they could share secrets with in the middle of the night, someone they could share their cookies with…
My friends had children, but while they spent time petting their pets I looked after their children. Unbeknown to them I also took to studying their offspring.
Emma and John’s little Jason bit his nails, Jenny and Brian’s little Peter had stooped shoulders and a strange gait, Emily from next door had a stutter. All these children were candidates for bullying. I wanted none of that for my children.
On my thirty sixth birthday I decided to approach the matter of bearing children in a more scientific manner. As a researcher I had access to every scientific publication available to mankind. It took me over a week to make up my mind.
In my pursuit for perfection I had studied every option available to me, including in-vitro fertilisation and yes as silly as this may sound I even read about cloning. Once I had felt that I had enough information on the various options I spent an evening mulling over the possibilities.
Money was no issue, I had and was prepared to spend whatever it would take to have my perfect little child or children. However, thinking about my baby being grown in a test tube with sperm from an anonymous donor, who may have lied about his credentials in order to earn some money, I felt uncomfortable considering what I thought would be the only realistic option available to me.
I spent a restless night thinking of everything that could go wrong and by morning I had a new plan. I knew that my new plan would have most people frowning at my callousness, but I did not care about what other people thought, all I wanted was my perfect child and besides I could always lie about my child or children’s birth father if it would make other people feel more comfortable.
First thing I did when I reached my office was to type an advertisement for insertion in one of the scientific magazines which now littered my desk. I set up a new e-mail address for myself and typed the address into the advertisement. Satisfied, I re-read what I had typed. Highly intelligent and attractive woman needing an equally intelligent man to father a child.
All applications would be considered with the strictest confidence. All expenses will be covered by the advertiser. All applicants should reply with a curriculum vitae, photo and physical measurements.
Yes, I know now that was the most heartless of things I could have done, but at the time I thought it would be my best option. To be able to meet and interview the applicant myself and to be in charge of the transfer of sperm was the only way I could be sure that I got what I wanted.
Or so I thought. Within a week of the advertisement being placed I had received more than twenty replies. I decided not to risk going through them in my office, instead I took to reading the e-mail at home in the evenings.
I knew I was being overly critical as I perused one after the other, yet none of the applicants had what I had been dreaming about. Some were students, some not as attractive as they thought themselves to be and others had impressive track records as far as their academic background was concerned but I still managed to find fault with their presentations.
I had almost given up after a week of checking more than fifty resume’s when, just before I switched off my computer a message flashed in the corner of my screen informing me that I had received another e-mail in my inbox. Curious, I opened the message.
Unlike the others a photograph was posted in the body of the e-mail and placed before this man’s credentials. I sat staring at the most handsome face I had seen in a long while. The eyes were the most magnificent blue, nearly violet in its blueness.
A straight nose, not too long, not too short, wide well-formed mouth, chiselled chin, and perfectly shaped ears peeked from a full head of brown hair. As far as looks were concerned I could not fault this specimen at all. It took a while for me to recover sufficiently to read the credentials given in the body of the text.
His name was Lucian Grey and this even made me smile as Lucian’s Latin origin meant ‘born in daylight’, yet Grey had absolutely nothing in common with daylight, or brightness of any sorts. His resume informed me that he was a mechanical engineer and inventor and his academic record was indeed impressive.
The only concern I had was that I have never heard of the organization he worked for. I made up my mind however to google it the next day.
I also decided, after checking the time on my wrist watch, to telephone him straight away to set up an appointment during which I could, hopefully, ascertain the truthfulness of his application. The voice which answered the call startled me, a deep baritone with a very British accent was not what I had expected.
“Who is this?” the voice enquired, shocking me from my mesmerized state.
I had not added my name to the advertisement and for a while I was at a loss for words, yet I gathered my courage yet again and proceeded to accomplish what I had set out to do.
“This is the woman who placed the advertisement which you replied to.”
“Yes?” he said yes questioningly and I knew he needed more from me than my feeble response.
“I would like to set up an appointment to meet…”
“I expected a meeting and am happy you called. I have no fixed obligations this week and could accommodate you whenever it would suit you.”
“I…uh…”
I was yet again speechless, I had not expected him to be so business-like nor so accommodating. Yet I had to regain my composure lest the man thought I was some kind of imbecile.
“Friday afternoon or evening would suit me best.” I replied, regretting it the moment the words left my mouth. How could I arrange to meet a stranger at night?
I was really acting like a dumb teenager.
“Friday evening then, name the place and I’ll be there.” It was too late for me to change my mind and I mentioned an upmarket restaurant close to my home.
“Excellent choice,” the voice informed me, “could you kindly tell me your name or at least give me a description. I need to know who to look out for.”
Hesitantly I gave him my first name, Margot, and for the first time I thought of the meaning of my name like I did of his earlier. Margot, a French contraction of Marguerite or Margaret, meaning a pearl or child of light.
Somehow, meeting Lucian, suddenly seemed the right thing to do.
“I shall book a table for us, will seven suit you?” the voice again roused me from my lamentations.
“Yes, thank you.” I had expected to have the matter in hand and that the applicant would subserviently fall in with my plans, yet, as I terminated the call I realized that Lucian had stepped in and taken over the arrangements as if it was his plan to begin with.
I spent the following week agonizing over my decision and once or twice considered calling Lucian and cancelling the appointment, yet I was curious to know why such a magnificent specimen as he would consider having a child with a perfect stranger when surely he could have anyone he wanted.
I told myself that perhaps he felt himself to be so wonderful that he felt he had to procreate and leave some of his magnificence behind, yet did not want the responsibility of raising a child.
I had a number of theories filed in my head by Friday and had created for myself a mystery I just had to solve, such was the nature of a scientist, I thought. I dressed in the nicest outfit I had in my cupboard, a green full length skirt and tight fitting bodice.
As I buttoned the bodice I looked at myself in the full length mirror in my bedroom. I knew I did not look my age and could easily pass for someone ten years my junior. I wore my blonde hair long and for the meeting with Lucian I experimented with a French knot, then loosened it and allowed it to fall over my shoulders. I usually wore it in a ponytail for work and either style was something different for me.
As I checked my watch for the umpteenth time I shrugged my shoulders and left my hair loose. I decided to take my car although the restaurant was walking distance from my home.
Smartly, I reasoned that should I not like Lucian, I could at least drive away without him having an inkling of where I lived. Although the restaurant was dimly lit it took me less than a few seconds to recognize Lucian. He made an imposing figure in his dark suit and light shirt.
Although I had, at the last minute, decided to wear heels, he still towered over me. As we shook hands his violet eyes bore into mine. If anything, his photo did not do him much justice.
The real live specimen was more impressive than I could ever have imagined. I composed myself and pulled my hand from his grip. As he led me to our table I firmly told myself to concentrate on my goal and stop lusting after the physical being whose back was as impressive as his front.
Once seated he ordered a bottle of wine.
At the time it did not occur to me that he did not ask my preference before placing the order. For the second time in my life I was at a loss for words, but Lucian made up for my silence by confidently making small talk. To this day I can hardly remember what we spoke about until much later when, during our main course, he touched on the subject of our reason for meeting.
“Why would a woman such as yourself have to advertise for someone to father her children?”
Still mesmerized by his baritone voice and British accent I had to quickly change gear in my mind to get myself to focus on the matter at hand.
“I am exactly who I said I was. I am a research scientist. I love children, but in my endeavor to have a child or children I also wish only the best for such a child and in doing so I would rather apply my scientific mind to producing such a child than rely on emotion alone to procreate.”
Even to me my words sounded cold and harsh and I desperately wished I had a different explanation. I could see Lucian mulling over my words.
I had tried to read his thoughts all night, but he was either too cunning or was indeed as emotionally detached as I thought myself to be. Even while watching him digest the information I gave him I found it difficult to ascertain exactly what he thought about it. Instead I attempted to turn the tables.
“And why would a man such as yourself consider venturing into such an arrangement?”
Lucian smiled at me then and took a long while to answer.
“I guess I was more curious about why a woman, who wanted to be a mother, could be so calculating in obtaining her heart’s desire. I took a bet with myself that she was probably brilliant but unattractive. I am glad to find that I was indeed wrong in my assumption.”
His comment set me at ease and I proceeded to tell him about my friends’ children and how I, seeing that I would be raising a child by myself, wanted an ‘easy’ child, a child who had everything going for him or her.
“I was an only child and always promised myself that should I ever consider having children I would make sure I had a whole brood.”
He laughed at my comment but I assured him that under the circumstances I would rather have one than none.
“Would you not find it ideal to have two children at the same time then?” “Oh indeed I would,” I can still hear myself answer.
“Then my dear you have chosen wisely. Both my parents were born one of a set of twins as was I, but regrettably my sister passed away at birth. As such, should you chose me to father a child you will have a larger than fifty percent chance to give birth to twins.”
I had never thought of having twins before as I came from a family where multiple births were not known to occur, yet as I listened to Lucian I warmed to the idea and told myself that I could not wish for anything better. In my mind I started to tick the boxes and found only a few still un-ticked before I could give Lucian my final verdict.
I took a deep breath and set about the business at hand.
“Tell me more about your work…”
Lucian proceeded to graciously recite his credentials, not much of which registered in my mind. Until I recently discovered the truth about Lucian I was baffled and stunned that I could have been so dim and shallow to not have paid more attention to this aspect of his story. But let me fast forward a little.
After spending just over three hours with Lucian I had made up my mind that I could not have wished for a better candidate. As the evening drew to a close I realized that I had to address the business side of the transaction. I outlined the plan to Lucian, explaining to him that I would arrange with a well-known fertility clinic to handle the sperm donation and subsequent implants.
I made it clear that I would carry all the costs of the procedures and that further input from him would not be expected. I also asked him to name his price for his services. I was surprised when Lucian suddenly laughed out loud. The sound of his laughter startled me as it bellowed around the room we were seated in.
“I do not need your money my dear and certainly do not wish to be paid for ‘my services’ as you so elegantly just put it. However I do have some conditions of my own.”
I remember how my heart started racing at hearing his words as until then I had pictured myself in complete charge of the situation and had not once thought of the possibility that the candidate would have any conditions of his own.
I barely managed to hold it together but found myself intrigued none the less and looked at him questioningly.
“I cannot, in clear conscience, father a child not knowing whether this child can be adequately provided for. Until now you have had the privilege of obtaining my education and work record, know a little about my family, whereas I know nothing about you. I thus wish to propose that we get to know one another a bit better before proceeding in this venture.”
I was surprised again by his proposal, but somehow it pleased me and I agreed to it.
“Although it would not be a prerequisite to our arrangement I would like to ask you to re consider, after getting to know me better, about me being involved in my child’s life.”
This sounded reasonable to me at the time. He did say it was not a prerequisite and did propose to give me the option to decide after getting to know him, I thus nodded in agreement and even managed to smile in agreement to his proposal.
Getting home that evening I barely closed the door behind me before letting out a mighty whoop in celebration of my success. I was elated and for once I had no doubt that my plan was the best thing I ever came up with.
As there is so much more to my story than my initial relationship with Lucian I do not wish to dwell on the days and weeks that followed my meeting with Lucian other than to say that in the end there was no need to visit a fertility clinic as our children were conceived naturally a few weeks later.
At first I was stunned and amazed when I received the results of my pregnancy test. Amazed at the fact that it took only a few sessions of love making to fall pregnant, I was also afraid that being pregnant would mean the end of our sexual endeavours.
Yes, I was starting to enjoy Lucian’s company and his body gave me pleasure. I had started to regret the business arrangement that had brought us together and had wished that we had met under different circumstances. I wished I had the courage to tell Lucian that I had changed my mind and would rather consider a normal relationship with him than a business agreement.
Instead I had to tell him that I was pregnant and release him from our tryst. I managed to keep the news from him for a few days, a few days in which we had intercourse as often as we could manage it.
Yet as I was about to tell him one night in my bed, he placed a hand on my stomach. Lifted himself up to look in my face and smiled a knowing smile. I knew he knew, but could not bring myself to admit it to him. I feared losing him so much that I was prepared to live a lie a little longer.
He kissed the tip of my nose, held me close and fell asleep. I, on the other hand, could not sleep.
When dawn broke I knew I could no longer keep the news from him regardless of the outcome. I was squeezing fresh juice when Lucian walked into the kitchen.
He was fully dressed and his aftershave lingered in the air. I felt nauseous at the thought of not ever seeing him or smelling him like this again. I finally gathered the courage to tell him about the pregnancy and his reaction was not what I expected.
He was happy, no ecstatic would be a better word. He hugged me and kissed me until I had no breath left. As we kissed before going our separate ways he promised to visit again that night. I could not have been happier.
At two and a half months along I learned that I was indeed expecting twins. I thought I was the luckiest woman on earth.
Lucian remained attentive and had started preparing for the children’s birth by buying cots and prams, toys and clothing.
Our future relationship was however not mentioned once and although perturbed by it I decided not to rock the boat and rather be grateful for what I had.
At six and a half months I was as large as an elephant and during my visit to the doctor he proclaimed that the larger twin was already turned and moving towards the birth canal.
Until then I had not experienced any symptoms related to pregnancy and which my friends had so often complained about.
I had no morning sickness, no backache regardless of my size, no swollen feet, not a single complaint. I was so self-satisfied that I was taken completely by surprise when the doctor mentioned the possible complication. I insisted on looking at the sonar myself. In doing so I perhaps offended the doctor, but I did not care.
The doctor’s finding was confirmed as I stared at the monitor. Yet both the babies appeared healthy, their heartbeats steadily audible from the machine. The doctor asked me to set an appointment for a week later in order for him to monitor the babies.
Rather worried at the latest revelation I arrived home to find Lucian busy assembling a baby compactum in the nursery. I immediately told him about my visit to the doctor.
If I had expected him to console me or to appear remotely concerned I was surely disappointed. He waved the news off with a careless hand and told me all was well and I need not worry.
As he continued with his task I stood in the nursery rooted to the spot, hurt by his careless remark. Before the date of my next doctor’s appointment however, I had more reason for concern when I went into labor early one morning.
I had woken up early and needed the bathroom. Trying to slip out of bed quietly so as not to disturb Lucian I felt a stabbing pain in my abdomen.
I rushed off to the bathroom and barely made it to the toilet before my water broke.
Hysterically I called out to Lucian begging him to phone for an ambulance. Instead he poked his head around the bathroom door and smiled at me. In that instant I felt like killing him, but managed to remain calm telling myself that I had to do so for the sake of my unborn children.
I eventually managed to get up from the toilet and with my hand to my stomach stumbled into the bedroom. Lucian was now dressed and the bed was made and had a strange looking cover spread across it.
“What is this Lucian?”
Without answering me Lucian approached me, smiling.
“Trust me.” he said and led me to the bed where he helped me to lay down.
“I need to go to a hospital Lucian.” I begged again. “No you don’t.” he replied. “For God’s sake Lucian, you are an engineer not a doctor, I need a doctor.” I yelled at him.
Lucian appeared not to have heard me and instead sat down on the bed next to me and took my hand. The stabbing pain I had experienced before now racked my body again and again. I cried out in pain and begged Lucian to phone for an ambulance, but he remained impassive.
The pain had become almost unbearable when he finally let go of my hand and got up from the bed. As I stared up at the man I thought I knew so well by now I saw something which I still, so may years later cannot describe in words.
At first I thought he looked expressionless, unemotional and cold, but at second glance I realized that I had been wrong. The closest I have ever come to describing his expression was to liken it to that of a sergeant major on a parade ground.
He started to murmur something which I could not understand. I watched in awe as he moved closer to the bed again and still chanting he moved his hands over my abdomen.
Too shocked to think clearly I only realized once my two babies were safely in my arms that that was the moment my agony had stopped. Lucian had deftly cut the umbilical cords, wrapped the babies in a blanket and cleaned me up. I had more than a few acquaintances who had delivered babies in the past and had made peace with experiencing some discomfort after giving birth, yet I had none.
I looked at my two beautiful children as they lay in my arms and almost wished I could experience a certain degree of pain to alleviate the feeling of being in a dreamlike state from which I could wake up any moment.
My boy and girl were as perfect as I imagined them to be. While they quietly suckled at my breast that night I inspected them from head to toe.
Not a single blemish was visible. Their almost identical little faces with their tiny snub noses and rosebud mouths were picture perfect. Lucian was again his normal courteous and attentive self and appeared as if he could not do enough to ensure my comfort. I
was so taken with my perfect babies and companion that I did not once even think of asking him what he had done to me while giving birth. The children were two days old when we decided on names for them, something which, strangely enough, we had not discussed before.
Marcus and Mary suited my two little lambs so well that I did not offer any resistance when Lucian suggested the names.